1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. A person, who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
12. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
13. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
14. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
15. 7People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
16. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
17. Never lick a steak knife.
18. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
19. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are above average drivers.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98″ she replied, “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, “did i wake you?”
You have dreams about prunes.
You send money to PBS.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word “equity” means.
You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about “good grass” and you’re refering to someone’s lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable just to watch the weather channel.
You go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

1)  There is little left to learn the hard way
2)  Things you buy now won’t wear out
3)  You can quit trying to suck in your stomach, no matter who walks in the room
4)  You can eat dinner at 4PM and get the early bird special
5)  You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac
6)  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the weather person on TV